She's Not Fat!

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"If you weren’t so fat you’d be married by now." "You keep eating like that and your boyfriend will need a pickup truck just to take you out for a movie." Ouch! These comments are not the kind of thing any woman would like to hear, much less from the men they live with.


Years ago my son came home after spending some time with one of the young ladies in his church youth group. He began to share his concerns about the low self-esteem his friend was exhibiting. "Dad, she is continually putting herself down. No matter what I say to encourage or compliment her, she doesn’t seem to accept it."


Young teenage girls are in the transition of a lifetime as they mature into womanhood. They are often extremely conscious of their appearance and their progress. They may not outwardly say it but many of them subconsciously are measuring themselves against the Hollywood portrayals of beauty and perfection. Their chemistry is like that of the roller coaster ride at an amusement park. They can be fine one minute and the next you’d be best to leave the room. They try on four outfits just to get ready for school. They spend countless hours working on perfecting hair and makeup. They constantly are aware of even the smallest of perceived flaws.


Upon further investigation, my son found out that this young lady with the constant negative self image had a bigger problem. Come to find out, much of what she thought of herself had been nurtured at home. She had a dad and a brother who enjoyed spending their free time teasing the only daughter in the house. At dinner time she’d be teased. On the way to church, she was teased. It didn’t matter when or where, it was common practice in that home to belittle the daughter.


I’m not the perfect dad but one thing I try to do is to be one of the most positive architects of my daughter’s self-esteem. Her brother has been programmed to also help with that. It's not easy sometimes but it's our job as men in this house to be the builders not destroyers of love and acceptance. It has been my journey through life to often use sarcasm or cutting remarks in my humor. The problem is, when it comes to my family, I don’t want them to find themselves on the other end of that verbal sword.

We have a rule in this house. Of all the places on earth, our home will be the safest place for any of us - spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Nobody is to spend unnecessary time fighting (not that we don’t get to fight once and awhile) over ridiculous issues. We are not to cut each other down and we are to go out of our way to lift each other up. (Unless it’s one of our comedy routines that we often practice on each other) Very few conversations leave out the words, "I love you," when hanging up our cell phones. We try to say it to our kids constantly and they say it back as well. I try to make sure my children don’t build their self esteem on things they can’t change. True worth and beauty is internal.

Unfortunately for this young lady, she will have a very difficult time in life, especially if she gets married. She’s been programmed to believe no man finds her attractive and even if she falls in love, she may constantly battle the belief that her husband truly loves her just as she is. Worse yet, she will probably become attracted to another man just like dear old dad. He’ll continue where dad left off and she’ll always find herself the butt of his humor.

The apostle Paul wrote that we are not to let the world conform us. He goes on to say we are to be transformed by the renewing of our thinking. . Conformed means outward pressure applied inwardly. Transformed is inward pressure applied outwardly. You can wear as many nice clothes as you can afford along with makeup and jewelry but, if inside you see a defective human being you won’t be happy. The most precious ground for nurturing beauty is on the inside. It’s not tilling the top soil with makeup, clothes, exercise, and hairdos. The real beauty is found from nurturing the deeper layers of our inward person. Many of us need to help renew some of the thinking that our daughters and sons exhibit.

Do me a favor today and apologize to the men, women, wife, daughters, and sons in your life for the times you’ve made them the butt of your jokes. If you don’t know how to apologize, just ask me. I have to do it all the time. Then I want you to make sure not a day goes by where you aren’t busy being the architect of your family’s positive self image. You’re the leader. LEAD!

I wrote the poem seen above while sitting in the parking lot of my bank. It just started coming to me as many of my random creative ideas do. Read it to your daughter(s) and constantly remind her that she's your princess.

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